Sep 2008

i miss him. but theres no comin back.

ive been throu a lot already. i did have enough share of pain, heartache and emptiness. but then, wes imply go on staying there, hoping for the change to come. hoping that yes, my love would lead him back to were we was before. and you bet..the feeling is damn all pain. and its excruciatingly damn hell i almost lost my job.

but a strong person that im always is, i know how to get over. at least only for a momment. and the next minute, its just still there, not even wanting to leave you, consuming your sound mind like that of a cigarrete eager to waste you at any time. heartache and being broken, or the loss of someone you greatly love is one of the hardest battle i had endured.

oh yes, i did love leo much more than he knew. but then again, the battle of surviving his loss was worth everything. because from now on, hes only someone that i used to love.

looking back to the days when you cant grip of your self, all too empty to make the right decision was like being born again. somehow i can see now this very momment that leo did just what is good for me. cool winds doenst make a fine sailor thou.

im stronger now. im not the foolish, submissive easy-go-lucky-i-love-you-person that would easily get too fast into love. I had loved him. it was indeed a beautiful love story for us. and then, after atleast 9 months, he choose to leave it all behind.

so i got no choice but to move on. and you bet its not that easy. it could have been easy thou. but then again...the love was genuine. too unconditional i was blinded. i always lok forward to that morning when my first thought would be not him. then i realize that i had already let him go as well.that may not be the first sunrise but i will go thru dat day knowing that my days wud be better.

and on that sunrise, Amante found me. theres so much promise to wait. and im ready to take i bite. and i am indeed.

yes..comes october 10 ay lilipad nko papuntang Ilo ilo pra makasama ko ang aking mahal. one thing na pinaghandaan ko, pinaghirapan at yung tipong di masyadong pinag isipan. pero kanina lang ay nabayaran na ang tiket ko round trip. babalik ako sa urbanidad para sa reyalidad na may trabaho ako at tapos na ang aking bakasyon or honeymoon comes october 14.

this is my first plane ride.

and mind you. from the airport pagkauwi ko, dederecho ako sa ofis. ayos lang.pero sana di ako maboryo.

credit card ni carlo ang ginamit kong pambayad. prior to dat, nagshopping din muna kami. one thing im proud of about my friends...they are there to support you and understand you all throu out. basta maligaya ang lahat...Paaak woooffff walang problema basta meron.ganun din kasi ako.

khit nahirapan kami sa pila sa booking ofis sa Robinson galleria, we find it productive pa rin.carlo was wid me all throu out. nung una namin punta, inabot kami ng 3 hours mahigit sa pila pero walang swerte. i was advised to do d reservation thru telephone. call centre ng cebu pacific yun. ok, i made the fone call right after our shift wednsday morning. maayos namn kausap yung girl. tapos binigyan ako ng confirmation letters, more like a record locator ang term nila. and dey also told me na di na daw pipila kasi nga may reservation na, magbabayad na lang.

around 2pm after namin matulog ni carlo sa sliping quarters, derecho kami sa robinson and wer given a number and ask to wait for our turn. ok lang kc may time pa kami para kumain. pagbalik namin ay sobrang lagpas na ng around 20 plus ung item namin at ayaw pa kaming ientertain kc daw policy at binigyan uli kami ng number. sobrang nakakainis at pagod at puyat na rin kami, nagtaas ng boses si carlo sa guard at biglang nag mura. the guard being old and polite or used to those kind of eksena, simply asked na wala sanang murahan. itong si carlo, mainitin at walang pakialam ay sinagot pa at sinabing di daw sya nagmura kaya linisin ni manong guard ang tenga nya.

i have no choice but to get the number and proceed to the counter looking for any available officer to assist my complain. lucky me, gwapo and charmong ang officer n libre kaya naman medyo nawala bigla init ng ulo ko. akalain mo yun haha lalaki lang pala mkakapagpatino sakin.

well, di naman nagtagal at natawag na rin ang number namin. and so far so good, ung gwapong reservation officer kami naassign. haha super ask ako kunwari ng tanong sa kanya. and mind you, hes also from bikol. and hes simply too good to be true..kaso isang tawag lang ni Amante ko, limot ko na ang face ni mr reservation officer. ang natatandaan ko lng ay ang kanyang name and the favor na sa sunod na balik ko sa kanya ay di na kami pipila pa uli. derecho na ako. well well well.

ganoon pa kaya ang sasabihin niya if ever na malaman niya na im goin out of town to meet and to be with my Boyfriend.?

At kahit past 7pm na ako nakauwi sa pad ko eh ok lang. isang tingin ko lang sa print out eh ayos na ako.

at si leo? i wish him the best.

"im a virgin. oo virgin pko. gusto ko itong ipresserve hnggang sa may husband na ako."

di pa rin talaga mawala sa isip ko ang mga sinabi nya the night na bigla kaming di nagdial dahil sa technical problems sa ofis. pumunta kami sa apartment ng isa nming kasamahan at doon ay naginuman. sikat pa noon ang sex scandal ni angel Locsin. at syempre napunta ang usapan sa sex. kanya kanya birada ang mga bakla, tomboy, straight at mga walang alam kung ano sila. masaya ang gabing nun eh. parang getting to know each other ang drama. hanggang sa isang pasabog na sinabi nya ito sa lahat. kanya kanyang reaksyon. may mga nag probe, may mga di naniwala. ako? di pa kami close noon. i simply dont care at all. basta ako masaya sa sex life ko. I dont give a damn. Virgin ka man o hindi, wala akong pakialam.

hanggang sa nagsama kami sa training. naging isang grupo na sabay sabay kung kumain, hati hati pa sa ulam. after ofis, nagiinuman kung weekends, sabay sabay din umuwi. at kung petix sa training. kwentuhan at daldalan lang. exchange gift sa christmas. ok ang samahan. todo suporta sa isat isa. hanggang sa naging close na nga kami.

at some point she manage to make me beleive na virgin pa nga sya. well, i really dont care at all.as long as were friends and dats your own character.

nagbreak sila ng long time boyfriend nya, isa ako sa di nagpabaya sa kanya. laging open ako nakikinig sa iyak nya. sa problema nya sa pamilya and all. sinama ko siya among the 3 of my friends sa pag uwi ko sa bikol noong May for the fiesta. nakilala sya ng family and friends ko. sinama nya rin ako sa family events nila. kumain kasama ng pamilya nya.

and still she still display this "Im a virgin character" and who the hell cares?

nagka boyfriend sya uli. kasamahan namin circle of friends sa ofis. she told us and assures us na di nya makukuha ang virginity nya.

"gurl dont make us look like an innocent bitch coz were a slut fucking d hard way life wants us to be."

yan ang gusto kong sabihin sa kanya when she confided to me and carlo as to kung ano daw ba magandang gawin nya sa Damulag nyang walang kwentang iresponsableng BF. and again buhay nya yan, khit anong sabihin namin, at the end of the day sarili nyang kagustuhan ang masusunod, and for sure kapag umeksena na ang damulag, wala ng epekto kung ano man ang sinabi namin. thats proven and tested. ewan ko kung common denominator ang thinking na ito samin. at least samin ni carlo siguro.

until dis weekend. kinumusta ko sya. thru txt. sabi nya may problema sya, and she wanna keep it by himself hanggang sa masolved nya ito. family matters daw. ako naman, dahil antok na, eh tinulugan ko na lang sya. nagising ako ng hapon, pumunta ako sa pad ni harry dhil may pinapahiram sya saking lutuan. nandun sya umiiyak nakahiga sa bed ni harry. pagkakita nya sakin, bigla syang yumakap ng mahigpit at humagulhol. iyak na parang wala ng bukas. ayaw nya pating kumalas.

and at that momment something is very wrong. wala akong masalita kasi at first ayaw nya pang sabihin kung ano ang problema. puro iyak lang ang sagot sa bawat tanong ko sa kanya. then i stayed there for like an hour in silence. being the good friend that I am, i respect her decision to keep whatever she has by herself.

untill i assured her that i am her friend. she can trust me whatever problems she may have. that im worth the respect and trust and anything that comes along with it.

and then, again, i was unprepared for what she was about to say.

"bebeh buntis ako!"

" bebeh, buntis ako!!! at one week na syang di nagpaparamdam. wala na rin yung gamit nya sa pad nya, puro mga labahan na lang ang nandun at yung sapatos niya...bebeh, its one week at buntis ako at hindi ko alam kung saan ang bahay nila sa QC. and i dont know his family.....bebeh hirap na hirap na ako."

by October 10 to 14 ill be in Ilo ilo to be wid Amante.

i am a bitch. oo!. im a slut fucking d hard way life wants me to be.

the feeling of someone saying i love you to me is awesome...something na tipong words could actually delimits what your tryin to say..but then everytime he calls, at the end of every conversation..we manage to exchange our I Love you.

then.....

namimiss ko na ang aking mga magulang. siguro naman ok sila kahit on medication pa rin si papa. sila kaya ni mama, nag i love you pa kaya sila ni papa? nagkikiss pa din kaya sila bago matulog? sa umaga pagkagising? or malambing pa din kaya sila tulad nung mga dalaga pa lamang sila at magkasintahan pa lang sila.....? andaming kong tanong ngayon.....

and den, i realize..ano ba ang pakialam ko eh buhay nila yan.

minsan i wonder, does time also travell by itself..? or does it simply submitt itself to what humans do.? or maybe as time goes by....so as change is.

matagal ko nang pangarap magka billboard ng sarilil ko. something to be proud of. but then, due to some restrictions hehe hindi pa napapanahon. maybe in the near future siguro. but the power of computer.. the internet in particular had this dream a realilty. haha

eto cguro ay matatawag na aparisyon. hahaha

bka iwanan ako ng mahal ko sa pinaggagagawa kong ito.