Oct 2008

“Part of the fantasy of every betrayed person is that one day, the person who hurt you will come back and answer all your questions, and apologize for hurting you. But the thing is, they won’t. They will die a liar and will feel good about themselves. That’s how selfish they are. They can’t give you closure, you have to find it yourself. You get angry with them. Then you get over them. Bless them in your mind and have peace with yourself. When or if that person comes back, you can say Hi and Goodbye in the same sentence.”

-Oprah-

very well said ms. big O. somehow, the message made me think of this one special person...someone i used to love.

eto n naman ako, love n namn ang topic. walang kapagurang pagibig.

maybe because im trying to wash out the trash of yesterday and the disgusting thought of today to have this better version of me for Amante. a better me.

i dont feel betrayed. pero kung hihimay mayin ko ang bawat angulo ng eksena namin ni Leo, yes..i would end up bein used, betrayed or taken for granted. Making used of this once great love offered for one shitty load of a once respected lover.

being positive on every aspect of what had happened, i dare see the bright side.

Leo,

You let me free from being emotionally attached to a one hell of a loser that you are. and im really really glad you did give me a big favor.

How about making me feel worthless?

How about making me wait for you. Yes your right there beside me, but i know, your a thousand miles away from me. I can feel your wishing that you can have the time jump 3 hours in an instant so im no longer near your sight. I maybe stupid. But im not insensitive, im no fool..i only love unconditionally.

Do you remember the time when im so messed up, begging you to tell me why you left me there with no apparent reason at all. Blaming this sweet notes, the poems i specially made for you. oh come on..i know better than that..but i chose to wait..until the day you came back.

and you come back..only to prove that your not yet done hurting me.

love is sweeter the second time around. ulol..the second time around you almost destroy my life.

And you never did realize this.

Its ok. Im done with you. I dont even care..theres nothing left for me to love.

And again, thank you for setting me free, free of loving the freaking asshole that you are.and should you come near across, or even come back to anyway there is..i make it a point that Hello and Goodbye would be on the first sentence.

hello

goodbye

not anymore

your smile
your presence
your strong manly character
almost an epitome of my dying soul

i made it to like you
i made myself beleive
that i could care much if you only wanted
a blast of what seems to being there

an essence of almost loving
a quarter more for wanting yours next to mine
making my longings satisfied
oh yes i m indeed falling for you

then my phone rings
my better half is on the other line
his voice a realization of a total me flirt
i cannot make myself crave for more from you

not anymore
im sorry im committed
not anymore i have to stop
i chose not to break somebodys heart

come on and lets take a bow

if theres one thing i would regret if ever your name come across my messed up brain, its when you somehow occupied my longings. its when i start to appreciate this friendship, making the foolish me want you...and i was like caring for you the other way no one would dare.

and you asked me if i like you. i said yes.

i do have a boyfriend. i love him much than i did for you. our love is a celebration of life.

but we are far from each other. somehow, my heart longs for some1 who is always there. whom i always see. ..unfortunately, its not my boyfriend but it was you.

and we talked about this. and i settled my part, i am in sound mind. i know were to put my self. i dont expect from you. i never did assume anything. i simply practice the honesty to oneself. that i must not keep myself from caring for you from afar..

afar thou your so near.

or maybe i guess, i cared too much, i flirted too much, i almost love you.

and as i chose to leave all these behind, i found some place in my heart thats aching. i only wish i have d guts to walk away and forget about what we had..but i just cant..but i i know i have to, and im pushing all my nerve to do dis...and when i do, he wont come after me..

and i guess thats what hurts the most.

i never thought caring and liking for someone be this painful.

i made my choice. i made up my mind. should you act like i dont exist anymore, so be it. that would be better. that would be fine. sahid that would be fine.

anyways, my heart belongs to Amante.

here are some of the souvenir shots taken by my ofismates who happen to be in that seminar as well.

yan kami. cna mami melai, suzzette, yang, neil grace, laarnie, lovely, carlo and me.

life in the spirit seminar.
oct 18-19, 2008, Meralco theater
St. therese de Avila class

Mel sponsored me to attend on this event. i thought it was just a retreat like dat way back Ateneo days. hindi pala. again and again...it was avery fulfilling experience. its worth everything..i mean EVERYTHING.

fri night ay pumasok pa kami ni Carlo. ang Labas namin ay 8am. saturday 8.30am ang simula ng Life in the Spirit Seminar. it ends at almost 6pm. then the next day, sunday Oct 19 8.30 again to again 7pm.

grabe, halos makatulog na ako in between those lively humurous talks from the empowered speakers. a trully blessed person there is. a gift shud i say.

nung second day na, di na nakarating si carlo. later na rin ako pero hmabol pa din.

salamat sa mga taong nagdala sakin sa LSS. slamat sa Rivers of the living water. salamat sa lahat.

salamat sa mahal na Panginoong Diyos.